By Mary Lynne Murray
Reprinted from Contra Costa Times, June 8, 2002
"MY PARTNER is a pack rat. What can I do about all the stuff?"
Such is a common complaint from men and women who go crazy trying
to live with a mate's clutter. Whether it's subconscious or conscious,
opposites do attract -- neaties tend to gravitate toward messies,
and vice versa.
If you're a neaty, know that your messy cannot always help it.
Dorothy Lehmkuhl and Dolores Cotter Lamping, authors of "Organizing
for the Creative Person," say our tidy tendencies depend
on which side of the brain we use more: "The right brain
produces a broad spectrum of intuitive and creative talents; the
left brain produces those talents necessary for traditional organizing
skills. It is only natural then, that people who prefer right
brain activities will have developed more right-brain skills and
may not have concentrated on learning left-brain organizing skills."
You can guess that the neatly squeezed toothpaste tube is the
product of a predominantly left-brain thinker.
With the knowledge that we cannot truly change another person,
is there any hope? Are there gentle ways to encourage others to
get organized? Or do we need to mark the room down the middle
with tape like we did as children?
Here are some pointers:
Clear your own clutter, and those close to you
often spontaneously follow suit. The energy that is awakened by
clearing out clutter can be inspiring. Young children will need
your help if their space is out of control. In this case, set
a timer and divide and conquer, with the child picking up clothes
and you gathering books, etc.
The aim of education is action, and we act quicker when we understand
how something benefits us. Put another way, when we realize the
downsides to living in clutter, we have more incentive to do something
about it.
Show your mate articles on the psychology of clutter and its
harms, and she or he might finally take action. Or point out how
the clutter causes real problems: frustration and stress due to
losing things or being late, or embarrassment over the papers
piled in the office.
Or point out the potential health issues of clutter. A few years
ago, my daughter learned in science that "bacteria is everywhere
-- even on the floors of our house." I pointed out to her
that this includes the clothes all over her bedroom floor.
A note on children: It is reasonable to confine their
personal clutter to their room and to regularly clean it. The
teen's need for autonomy and privacy vs. a parent's need for order
can be balanced by shutting the bedroom door.
Establish certain shared spaces as "must maintain" areas.
This can be the kitchen sink and counters, formal living room
and/or hall bathroom.
When there is disagreement about the organization of your space,
talk about what is needed for each person to be content, and what
each is willing to do to make things better. For the sake of the
relationship, many people are motivated to change behavior.
On the other hand, avoid nagging -- explain your needs once,
and see what happens. For example, my kids unload the dishwasher.
They sometimes have trouble fitting glasses in the cupboard --
i.e., understanding which glasses can be stacked and where the
taller glasses go -- but their help is more important than perfectly
lined-up glasses.
If you do need to correct, speak with respect and kindness. Messies
are usually doing the best they can. Encourage any visible progress.
Baby steps are good.
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